Grade School Crush

Originally told at The Moth, Madison, on 8-7-2023

I started attending a new school in 1st grade and knew no one there. I struggled to make friends but fortunately a girl named Emily welcomed me into her group. Emily, her twin brother Chris, their friend Logan, and I became fast friends. Just as quickly, I developed a crush on Emily. Emily continued to be very kind, she was cute, and even then I noticed her family had money. They had gold… fish … crackers. This might not seem like much, but I had only ever seen Goldfish on TV! My golden snack reference was generic Rolled Gold pretzels advertised as wheat-based cylinders…. with salt. Chris and Emily had bulk containers of goldfish. They could make it rain gold. They had goldfish everyday, along with two classic Milano cookies. Their family had that Pepperidge Farm money. 

I wanted to spend a lot of time with Emily, but sometimes her brother Chris would get in the way. Chris was usually cool but sometimes could be annoying. We’d play Mario Kart and Chris repeatedly froze the game to show his character doing something cool. In my mind, I was completely frustrated. I thought “if I see one more screenshot of Yoshi shooting a shell, I am driving right off this Rainbow Road. Chris also picked fights with Logan about very stupid things. They’d often argue about their furnished basements. Chris attacked Logan with “your basement is small” and Logan would come back with “you smell like your basement”, which was true, but with that Pepperidge Farm money, Chris and Emily’s basement actually smelled pretty good.

I always supported Logan in these fights. Logan was kinder and we shared a particular fondness for Ed, Ed, & Eddie. More importantly, we shared a fondness of Emily. Logan never seemed to show interest in Emily, but I felt like she and I had a special connection. You see, Emily and I happened to synchronize our back and forth movements on swings, which by grade school logic meant we were going to get married. I reveled in this scientifically established fact, because I could brag to my divorced parents- and- I was marrying into money. I would do anything for my playground fiancé, including protecting her.

One day after school, Chris started lashing out on Logan on the playground. Chris tucked his arms in his winter jacket to twist quickly and whip Logan. I watched but didn’t engage… until Chris started attacking Emily. I am still non-confrontational, but In a small act of heroism, I too tucked my arms in my winter and charged Chris. I leapt, wildly twisting my sleeves and tackled Chris to the ground. Defeated and angry, Chris went to his dad, who supported me! Hopped up on adrenaline and knowing I had her dad’s approval, I went to Emily and asked her if she liked me. She said “I like Logan”.