Santa Claus Lies
Originally told at Mad City Story Slam, Madison, in December, 2023
It’s my favorite time of the year again. The time where we all collectively decide, we are going to lie to children.
The lie I am speaking of is Santa Claus. We instill the belief in Santa young. Really, Santa is omnipresent. My young education was essentially the dog says “woof”, the cow says “moo”, Santa says “ho ho ho”. I don’t even remember when I first believed in Santa. And it’s kind of weird that I was lied to right? It’s a lot of work to keep the lie going. I knew pretty quickly that it was impossible for Santa to be at every mall that my mom and I went shopping. I mentioned that to her and she replied with “well those are Santa’s helpers, but you’re right, that’s not the real Santa.” So now she has to remember that detail and communicate it to my dad, which was tough because communication wasn’t their strength as evidenced by their divorce.
When I was 7, my mom thought I no longer believed in Santa, but I definitely did. That Christmas, I was very confused why Santa didn’t give me any presents and my mom added another lie that he did as she quickly scribbled out her name on some of the presents. Maybe my mom also was tired of the lie, especially when I told her I noticed the Santa always gave me better presents than she did. It was a subtle hint from her kid essentially saying “Mom, let’s step up your game here. Why don’t you put on a smile and teach those 8th graders art a little harder for that Kentucky teacher bonus.”
Around 8, I noticed something was off in Santa’s handwriting. Santa’s presents at my grandma’s, mom’s, and dad’s houses all had signatures, but they were incredibly different. My mom did not attempt to make excuses. She doesn’t even remember my big discovery today.
I still think the pattern of Santa giving me better presents was true, because around age 10 and beyond my family had no idea what to get me. First, I received a collection of canned chili. The next phase was incense. Maybe my family thought I was too dorky, so they decided I should be a stoner. I also received a Budweiser Holiday Stein- I was 14. My family was full on prepping for me to be indulging in drugs.
Now at 32, I've thought about perpetuating the lie of Santa. I lie hasn’t really affected my life. I don’t have trust issues- I don’t force my partner to cookies in front me to confirm she is real. I’ve actually come to think the lie of Santa is beautiful. We all agree to suspend our own beliefs to create a compelling story of holiday magic.
So, last weekend, after putting up our Christmas tree, I sat down next to my one year old son and wife in front of our tree. I pointed to Santa at the top of the tree. My wife and I looked at each other- in agreement- as I said to Charley “that’s Santa”. And then Charlie said to me “and this is a compelling story of holiday magic.”