Love Hurts
Originally told at The Moth, Madison, on 2-12-2024
There are three things you should know about me. First, I’m a statistician. I think a lot about probabilities. I happened to be born in the US into a family who insisted on college, which increased the odds of me meeting a professor who told me about grad school, which increased the chances of getting my job, which increased the chances of having Monday nights off to be in front of you now. That’s a fraction of the potential infinite possibilities, with a sliver in my control. So, I have thoughts on soulmates. When friends tell me they met their soulmate- their destined one person- I have to ask… you don’t think location was important? Speaking the same language? Maybe being alive at the same time of human existence?
So I’m fun at parties. I actually am because of the second thing you should know about me: I love comedy. It’s my love language. Laughing and making people laugh is my favorite thing about living. I think comedy is our human way of managing an incomprehensible world. We laugh at the unpredicted. It’s through comedy that I found my favorite analogy of love.
The comedian Mike Birbiglia describes love like this: we all think we have a secret special skill that no one knows about, but if they did they’d be amazed. If we’re lucky, we meet someone who recognizes our secret special skill and we recognize theirs, too. It admits chance but it hopes for joy. I think its beautiful because right now, despite the forces of work, family, geopolitics, and time, people find one another and will continue to enjoy one another.
I met someone with a secret special skill. Scarlet was intellectual, fascinating, and gorgeous. She had worked in museums, at animal shelters, and studied infectious diseases, which is sexy. I would have gladly let her give me an infectious disease, which was likely since we met at the beginning of the pandemic.
After two dates, I told her she had a secret special skill. She had no idea what I meant, and I didn’t tell her, but I did tell her that we should go camping in the UP to which she replied “So you want to take me 6 hours away from where I live to a remote place without reception as the 3rd proposed time to hang out?”. Surprisingly, she said yes.
A month later, our trip was going phenomenally. The biting flies and mosquitoes didn’t stop us from laughing. We were contracting West Nile and love, simultaneously. During our last night, Scarlet and I watched a pastel blue and pink sunset against Lake Superior. We were silent, and then she started to cry. In 3 days, she was moving 1,000 miles away. I reminded her she had a secret special skill and explained what that meant. She held on to me as tight as she could.
Here’s the 3rd thing about me: I’m non-religious, but I do think I’m a good Christian. I genuinely love others, donate when possible, and I rinse all my hummus containers to be recycled just like Jesus wanted. Despite my probabilistic mindset, like other Christians when stressed, I talk to God.
I did one night after a conversation with Scarlet, who was 1,000 miles away. We talked periodically for a month but always came back to the same question- “Should we keep talking?” ie, “What’s our likelihood of success?”. I took a walk after one of these conversations, I just wanted to yell at God. I thought, “God, you and I both know I want this. This partnership that brings me immense laughter and joy- it has to fade? Screw you!” But I didn’t …. Because I’m a good Christian; instead, I roamed the streets with fists clenched and tears streaming down my face absorbed by my mask. The pandemic made travel unsafe and impossible, but it answered our question- “What’s our likelihood of success?”. Improbable.
But I have hope that someone else will recognize Scarlet’s secret special skill. Do I think someone will recognize mine? Probably.