Snooping
Originally told at The Moth, Madison, on 5-13-2024
I'm not much of a snooper, but as a single guy who wants a partner, I use these skills to determine if someone is single. I got a chance to use these skills 2 weeks ago. As I went up the stairs to a small show at Gibb’s, I locked eyes with Lori and immediately was infatuated with her. It was perfect timing because at that point my friend Glenn gave me a hug. This informed Lori that I’m generally safe and okay with the concept of human touch.
When the show started, she sat down and seemed to know the person next to her. I used all my detective skills to watch body language and laugher, and determined the there was no romance. Eventually, Lori played music and did so phenomenally. She was weird, funny, and perfect to introduce to family.
After the show, I was casually talking to the other performers and feeling good about eventually going to talk to Lori. I needed this boost because sometimes when I see someone I’m infatuated with, sometimes my brain breaks. I once was biking out of my driveway and saw an attractive woman across the street. As I started biking, I just forgot how to steer. Slowly and gently, I glided across the street and crashed into the back of a car. This happened when I was 33. I am still 33. I have only been 33 for 2 months.
As I was talking to the other performers and I’m getting them to laugh, Lori noticed. My plan was in motion and I performed the finishing act- I pulled out my meteorite.
The performers were intrigued and Lori came over. She asked if the meteorite was from the same place where the meteor hit and killed the dinosaurs.
I said it came from Peru.
“So it’s not from Arizona?” she said.
Arizona?! ARIZONA?!?! Remember in our middle school science class when we all agreed that you don't casually misidentify the location of the meteorite that killed the dinosaurs. You either say the Yucatan Peninsula or nothing. You don’t say Arizona!
I kindly reminded her of our rule: The dinosaur killer landed in the Yucatán Peninsula 66 millions years ago.
“I’m pretty sure it was Arizona’, she said.
I'm trying to balance being flirty and being right. I said there were many meteorites, so we could both be right. Which is wrong! WRONG! There was 1 meteorite that killed the dinosaurs and it landed in the damn Yucatán Peninsula 66 million years ago.
Glenn called Lori away to talk business, so I quickly found scrap paper, wrote down my name and number, and a note saying, "Not an a-hole meteorite guy. Promise." If I've learned anything from this experience, it's that I am absolutely an a-hole meteorite guy, and now, also a liar. I gave Lori the note and returned to the performers. They asked how it went, and I said I have to leave immediately.
As I lay in bed, I’m wide awake, frazzled, and I get a text. It’s Glenn. He lets me know that Lori is seeing someone. Disappointed, I go to bed as an a-hole meteorite guy liar, who also is bad at snooping.
